This morning I had breakfast with Dr Who and Rocky Balboa.  The Dr had his usual fare of crunchy nut clusters, filled to the brim and Rocky had chocolate spread on toast (more chocolate spread than toast).  There were the usual grunty comments, demands for money, school letters etc. before I pushed them out of the door to the bus stop.

Even though my boys are now a few inches taller than me and have deep voices, I am still really glad that they like dressing up in character.   When they were little this was an endless source of amusement and we had many themed parties, where guests were asked to dress up.  And it still seems that any excuse for fancy dress (like Red Nose Day) prompts them to get creative, in spite of teenage reserve and angst, and just go for it. 

So today we had the ‘new’ Dr Who complete with bow tie, tweed jacket and sonic screwdriver and Rocky Balboa in stripy shorts and white robe, with a nice mauve eye.
We live in a country village, so these two must have looked quite a sight walking to where the bus stops near the church.

I often have clients who come to me wishing that they could be more confident, articulate, assertive etc. etc. but they feel that this is not ‘them’ – they have never been like ‘that sort of person’ and they never will be.   My response to this is to suggest that they actually imagine how it really feels to be that person that they want to be, use their creativity, and work out in detail what that person would do and say, how they would behave.   In NLP this is called ‘modelling’ and its basic premise is that by literally acting ‘as if’ you are a person whose qualities you would like to have, you CAN assume those qualities for yourself.   It does take practice, but the more you ‘act out’ a certain role, the more you become that person.   So, for example, if there is a particular individual who you admire, be this a celebrity or somebody you know and respect, really notice how they behave, their traits, their mannerisms (obviously without resulting to stalking them!) and by doing this, you can have those qualities yourself.   The more you practice, the more they will become part of you.

Writing this blog, there’s a song that keeps coming into my mind ‘Be what you want to be’ – I think that its by ‘The Mamas and the Papas’ – and by practicing this NLP technique, you can literally be the person that you know you really want to be.  The only limit is your imagination.

For further advice on how to fulfil your potential, please contact me on 01449 780352 or 0781 7158429, or email me on wendy@wendychalk.co.uk.

I’m not promising time travel (although in a strange sort of way hypnotherapy can transport you back through time) or a world champion boxing title, but what you will discover is that you are free to be whatever and whoever you want.

Last week I wrote about the likely future increase of male depression, due in part to the ‘mancession’ with the economy claiming many mens’ jobs, and consequently their roles and identities within their family and the wider society.

Whilst it would be wrong to generalise, it seems to me that female depression tends to have as it source the need to ‘do everything, and do it perfectly’.   So, typically, this would involve working full time, caring for children/elderly parents, doing the housework, whilst at the same time keeping a size 10 figure.   Many of the women I see claim to be feeling absolutely exhausted, depressed and stressed out, and is it any wonder? 

A new book recently published ‘Dutch Women Don’t Get Depressed’ reveals that Dutch women seem to have found a much better work/life balance, compared to their European sisters.  The main reason for this seems to be that the majority of them (68%) work part-time.   They consequently earn much less, but their quality of life appears to be that much more fulfilling as they have time to care for family, study, read and see friends.   And it is not just women with young families who are in this category, but also childless women in their 20s and 30s.   They do no seem to place as much importance in material possessions, but instead value their free time much more.  Often, this kind of set up involves depending more on their partners for finance, but they would deny that this is old-fashioned and in fact claim that it makes for much less stress within the relationship.  To them, this financial dependance does not make them less of a person in their own right, and they assert that they enjoy modern, well-balanced relationships.   The very low Dutch divorce rate would seem to bear this out.

Kirsty Young bemoaned the fact recently that people (both male and female) are often defined by the jobs that they do.   Dutch women would seem to refute this, claiming that women can lead fulfilling and interesting lives that do not just consist of work.   Even highly educated Dutch women would not regard their career as the most important thing in their lives, but instead are spending time on developing ‘themselves’ – perhaps devoting time to learning new skills, or spending it with family and friends. 

Whilst I fully realise that working part-time is not a luxury that all of us can afford, I often advise people to really look at their work/life balance, and see if there are ways that they could manage to cut down some of their outgoings in order to be able to work less.  Having more time to spend on the things that really matter is worth so much more – I believe – than having a bit more cash to spend.

If you are feeling that your life lacks balance and would like some help, do contact me on 01449 780352 or 0781 7158429, or email me on wendy@wendychalk.co.uk.

The British Journal of Psychiatry reports that there will inevitably be rise in incidents of male depression over the years to come, as increasingly men struggle with the shift away from traditional male/female roles.

Male identity tends to be tied up in work, so with the economic crisis meaning widespread job losses, many men are finding that losing their job can have a devastating effect on self-esteem and confidence.   This obviously can apply equally to women who are made redundant, but on the whole it seems that men are much less likely to seek help when they have depression, feeling that this indicates a sign of weakness. 

In addition young adult males who are not in any form of employment or training and also possibly lack a positive male role model in their lives are at much greater risk of suffering from depression, and resorting to ‘self-medicating’ with drink and/or drugs. 

I have written in previous columns the importance of having a role throughout your life, and this article seems to me to underline this. 

What I believe society needs to do is to make sure that people are encouraged to accept that many different roles and family set-ups are valid.   The importance of family must be stressed, with emphasis on the fact that putting time and effort into being a good dad reaps the best rewards.  It is also essential that, in this period of uncertainty in the economy, we make sure that everyone has access to sound financial advice and help.   Giving information about relevant training courses and education is also necessary, along with making it simple and easy to sign up for volunteer work.

Above all, men should be encouraged to talk about their problems with a professional and to realise that this is not a sign of weakness, but is actually very healthy as by seeking help sooner rather than later, there is every chance that they will be able to feel much better about themselves.

It is possible that depression can be caused by circumstances (loss of job, relationship break-up etc.) or by past issues – even going back to early childhood – which have not been resolved, and which continue to cause low self-esteem and negative behaviour patterns.

My treatment involves the use of hypnotherapy to take you back to any earlier events or issues which may be continuing to cause pain, and shedding new light on these so their power to cause problems is eliminated.  We also look at creating realistic, achievable goals and finding practical ways in which you can achieve these.

If you feel that either you or your partner are experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety, please contact me in confidence on 01449 780352 or 0781 7158429, or email me on wendy@wendychalk.co.uk.

Readers of my blog (I hope that there is at least one) will notice that my new year banner has finally been taken down now from the home page on my website.  Perhaps you may be wondering why I left it this late, although I’m sure that Lizzie Archer is regretting having asked Nigel to take their New Year banner so early – things would be very different in Ambridge now, if only they had left it till February …..

The point I want to make today is, that whatever time of the year, you can always decide to make changes.  It doesn’t have to be at the start of the year, although this is sometimes a good opportunity to think about new opportunities, as we can put the previous year behind us.

I find that we can often feel stuck in a rut, once the year begins, and we find ourselves back on the work/family commitment treadmill, with barely any time to ourselves in order to rest and relax.   By taking time out every day to practice self-hypnosis or meditation, we allow this constant whirlwind of to do lists/deadlines/daily chores to settle, and our minds become much more open to new ways of looking at old problems.

As part of my hypnotherapy treatment, I create for clients their own personal CD, usually only about 15 minutes in length, as I am conscious of time restraints.   They can then use this regularly to enhance relaxation, and get into the habit of having daily ‘time out’ in order to achieve a greater sense of balance and calm.  The fact that it is personally tailored to their own individual personality and issues means that it is even more powerful.

The way I like to describe this is like a glass of water which has had sand stirred into it, and the water ends up being cloudy with all the stirring.   Once the glass of water is left to settle, you can then see clear water once again.

If you are finding it difficult to contemplate change, or if you want help with coping with the ‘daily grind’ do contact me on 0781 715 8429 or 01449 780352, or email me on wendy@wendychalk.co.uk.  New starts are not just for January 1st!

Last week, my week began and ended with Rachmaninov.

On Monday, my son was performing as a finalist in the West Suffolk Young Musician of the Year, playing Rachmaninov’s  Prelude in C Minor.  As his mum, I was incredibly proud of him thought he played it brilliantly of course (but what do I know – I only got to Grade 3), however it was not quite enough to put him in the final.  

Then, on Saturday my son and I attended a concert by the Wolsey Orchestra at the new Apex Concert Hall in Bury St Edmunds – the second half of the evening was devoted to Rachmaninov’s Symphony No. 2 in E minor.    I was in heaven, and it was wonderful to hear the great man’s music once again, this time put to orchestra.

Later on, reading the programme, I found out that, after a disastrous early career performance, Rachmaninov sunk into a deep depression, from which he found it impossible to lift himself out of.   It was only after the intervention of a Russian hypnotherapist, Dr. Nicolai Dahl, that Rachmaninov went on to compose and perform once again.

Rachmaninoff, in his memoirs, tells the story:
 “My relations had told Dr. Nicolai Dahl that he must at all costs cure me of my apathetic condition and achieve such results that I would again begin to compose. Dahl asked what manner of composition they desired and had received the answer, ‘A concerto for pianoforte,’ for this I had promised to the people in London and had given it up in despair. Consequently I heard the same hypnotic formula repeated day after day while I lay half asleep in my armchair in Dr. Dahl’s study, ‘You will begin to write your concerto ….You will work with great facility ….The concerto will be of excellent quality ….’ It was always the same, without interruption.
Although it may sound incredible, this cure really helped me. Already at the start of the summer, I was composing once more. The material accumulated, and new musical ideas began to stir within me – many more than I needed for my concerto. By autumn I had completed two movements …. These I played that same season at a charity concert …. with gratifying success …. By the spring I had finished the first movement … and felt that Dr. Dahl’s treatment had strengthened my nervous system to a miraculous degree.
Out of gratitude I dedicated my Second Concerto to him.”

I have always believed in the power of hypnotherapy to heal, but the point here is that, not only did this intervention restore Rachmaninov’s confidence, but lead to a positive flow of creativity, which resulted in such a wonderful legacy that we can all enjoy.

I have found that, with many of my clients, whatever treatment plan they are following, this development of their creative side tends to be a by-product of the treatment, even if it was not sought initially.   It seems to lead to a flow in ideas, possibilities and options, where before there had been a block.   And, quite remarkably, this flow continues long after treatment.

If you feel that your confidence needs lifting and your creative side needs some help, do contact me on 01449 780352 or 0781 715 8429 to find out how hypnotherapy can help.
I do not promise that you will be composing piano concertos, but you will make wonderful new discoveries about yourself.

I really like Jenni Murray of Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour – she is a brilliant broadcaster and journalist, and I believe, one of the best interviewers on radio.  I was therefore very pleased that, after beating cancer, she has now managed to lose 3 stone in weight.  Remarkably, she has lost the 3 stone in a relatively short period of time – just 3 months through going on the Dukan diet.  This ‘revolutionary’ new diet involves restricting carbs, and eating lots of lean protein, cutting out alcohol and processed foods and adding oat bran to your diet.  Nothing new really, it would seem, just shades of Atkins/South Beach/GI all rolled into one.    And whilst it claims to allow you to eat all you want, without calorie counting, the diet is actually extremely restrictive, particularly in the initial phases.

Whilst I wish Jenni all the best, and really hope that she manages to reach her target weight, it concerns me when people lose weight really quickly, as invariably, once a ‘normal’ diet is re-introduced, the weight goes back on (and often much more) as the metabolism has slowed down, and also once the diet is no longer followed, your mind tends to tell you ‘she might be going on another diet, so I will have to eat all I can now in order to make up for it’.   Jenni admits that the weight went on over many years, so how can it be healthy to then lose so much in a matter of months.  It is the classic feast/famine syndrome, which ultimately is very unhealthy, and puts a lot of strain on the body.   The same sort of thing tends to happen with diets such as Lighterlife, where meal replacements are used for a number of months until the goal weight is reached, and then, just as soon as a normal diet is re-introduced, the weight has a tendency to go back on really quickly.

My advice to people wishing to lose weight is to address the psychological issues which are causing them to eat more than they need.  Often, once these are dealt with, it is much easier to get rid of unwanted pounds gradually and naturally (a rate of just 1lb per week is fine and much more like to stay off).  Also, I believe it is unwise to go on a very restrictive diet, as you only end up craving the foods that you are omitting from your diet – obvious really.

Weight loss is really quite simple – eating less and exercising more – but this seems to cause such difficulty, and people are seduced by the marketing hype of the latest ‘new’ diet, and think at last, this is the ONE that will make them thin.

Hypnotherapy and NLP helps you to identify what is making you eat more than you need, and is very successful at giving you new (non food-related) strategies to make you feel really good about yourself.

If you would like to find out how I can help you reach a healthy weight AND feel so much better about yourself, please do contact me on 0871 715 8429 / 01449 780352 or email me on wendy@wendychalk.co.uk.

We all tend to feel better when we look better – whatever people may say about beauty being skin deep, I believe that making the best of your appearance can improve well-being and is perfectly natural and healthy.

However, it really does concern me that a lot of young people are showing a tendency to obsession, when it comes to how they look.  Watching the Channel 4 programme ‘Beauty & the Beast:the Ugly face of Prejudice’ last night made interesting viewing in this regard, observing Yasmin, a very pretty young girl with quite obvious confidence issues and her time with Oliver, a father of two, facially disfigured by burns.   Yasmin spent hours every day attending to make-up and hair, and really found it impossible to go out without hair extensions/false eyelashes etc., whereas by contrast Oliver was very happy ‘in his skin’ (no pun intended) and was intent on persuading Yasmin that actually she looked better without make up. 

Having two teenagers, I know that the pressure on young people to look good is enormous – whether or not this is due to the media forever showing us images of ‘perfect’ bodies.  What concerns me is this un-ending quest for ‘perfection’, with even young teenagers requesting cosmetic surgery, and where it used to be mainly girls who were most troubled by appearance, boys are now subject to feelings of self-loathing as well.  Children and teenagers seem to attach great importance to looks and can be incredibly cruel to each other. A chance comment made in the playground can have a lasting effect on a child’s already shaky self-esteem.  Perhaps it is not just coincidence that the most popular net-working site for young people is called ‘Facebook’.

It is my belief that we need to give children and young people the emotional ‘tools’ to feel good about themselves from a very early age.  This includes giving them encouragement and praise at every opportunity, as well as teaching them how to communicate well with others, and making them feel good about themselves.  Being there for them (when they feel the need to talk) is essential.  It is also really important that they learn strategies in order to deal with stress, sadly a common factor in today’s world, with continual exams and testing, family breakdown, job worries as well as this overiding emphasis on body image.

If you are concerned about your child or teenager’s self esteem, please do give me a call on 01449 780352 or 0781 7158429, or email me on wendy@wendychalk.co.uk.

Whilst I feel that the government’s attempts to measure happiness and wellbeing in the UK population is well-intentioned, I’m not really sure whether something as subjective as this can be measured.

I have been thinking a lot lately on what happiness really means and I have made my own list of a few things that make me happy:

watching the coronation street omnibus

having the house to myself for a whole day

coming back from a long walk on a cold, crisp day and sitting by the wood-burner with a cup of tea

getting dressed up to go out to a really posh ‘do’

going to the seaside

making a cake

planning our next holiday

These are mine – no doubt your’s will be completely different.  The point is being aware of that feeling of warmth and joy when you experience certain things helps you to focus even more on those things.   Very often we tend to spend our lives ‘sleep-walking’, just getting through each day, and not taking notice of things that make us happy.  What I like to do is to really notice all the things in my life that give me joy (even the little things – these can be the most special) and take a little snapshot of them in my head, I can then make this image really clear and bright and it stays there to remind me of what I need to do to make myself feel good.

In NLP-speak, this is a type of ‘anchoring’, whereby good feelings are anchored in – this can be done by pressing the thumb and forefinger together at the very height of the good feeling.   To get those good feelings flooding back (in times of stress for example) you simply have to press thumb and forefinger together again.

By just spending a little time each day really noticing what makes you happy, you can have a really powerful resource at hand for the more difficult times.

For more information on NLP and hypnotherapy, contact me on 01449 780352 or 0781 7158429.

Much has been said in the press in the last few days about the therapist who faces being struck off by the BACP (the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy) for her Christian-based agenda and way of working which includes helping gay men to become straight.

There are several things that concern me here.

Whilst I am not accredited to the BACP and so I do not have a knowledge of their training and ethical requirements, my own hypnotherapy and NLP training taught me to have a client-centered approach and to work with the client’s own belief system and view of the world.  If this belief system is causing problems for them, then as a therapist I have duty of care to find ways work with this in order to help them to move forward.

As therapists, we are not just 2-dimensional – we all have our own set of beliefs whether these be religious, political or otherwise but it is very important that these beliefs are not foisted onto the client.  In the treatment of often very vulnerable people, the utmost care must be taken to remain non-judgemental whilst at the same time focussing on how best we can help the client to move forward.   Mrs Pilkington, the counsellor in question, has an absolute right to her own Christian beliefs, but she has duty of care to her clients to treat them according to her Association’s ethics.

What troubles me is that the BACP is launching disciplinary proceedings against her, accusing her of ‘praying to God to heal’ her client and having an ‘agenda that homosexuality is wrong’ but have only just found this out about Mrs Pilkington.  She has apparently been using her ‘Sexual Orientation Change Efforts’ programme for the last ten years.  Does the BACP not have a system whereby counsellors are regularly checked to make sure that they are undergoing supervision themselves from another counsellor as well as undergoing continuous training? 

My Association, the National Council for Hypnotherapy (NCH) regards regular supervision as well as cpd (continuous professional development) and also support from a peer group as an important part of membership.

Whatever your beliefs and opinions are about this case, the important thing here is that the organisations like the BACP that give license to therapists to practice are making sure that their members are regularly checked and supervised, so that it is clear that they are abiding by their code of practice.  This is the very least they can do in order to protect members of the public, who are putting their trust in us as therapists.

I am pleased about the government’s latest proposal to extend the retirement age beyond 65.  Whilst I realise that not everyone wants the opportunity to continue working, I feel that people who are keen to carry on should not be stopped from doing so.  Very often older people have a wealth of experience and a whole range of skills that have been built up over time, and I believe that this is to be valued and nurtured.  Being able to feel that your life still has meaning and purpose is essential is retaining self-esteem and a positive outlook.

My mum and dad are both in their mid 80s and have certainly had their fair share of health problems, including heart disease, cancer, failing eyesight and IBS, to name a few, yet they remain unerringly positive and cheerful and the reason for this, I believe, is that they still have active and meaningful lives.  Whilst having long ago retired, they are constantly busy with gardening, cooking, reading, sewing and knitting as well as being fully involved with their families and friends.   They have a ‘young’ outlook on life, and enjoy tuning in to such programmes as the new Matt Lucas & David Walliams series ‘Flylo’ and ‘I’m a Celebrity, get me out of here!’  My son who is 14 years old and attends school quite near to where my parents live goes to their house every lunch time for ‘the best cheese toasties ever’.  Word has now spread round his friends, and so there is now quite a crowd going to mum and dad’s house for their toasties.  It is now a regular part of my mum’s day to prepare Joe’s toasties, and both she and my dad look forward to the daily lunchtime visit of my son and his group of friends.  They love doing this, and feel that it keeps them young and in-touch.

Whatever you chose to do in later life (whether this be paid or voluntary work or helping out with the family), it can really add meaning and richness, beyond what material wealth can give you.

With many more of us expected to reach 100, it is important that we place an emphasis on how to remain positive into old age, as this, I believe, has a profound bearing on physical as well as mental health.   Feeling needed by others and finding one’s role in life undoubtedly has a big part to play in this.